Y’all know I would never, never ever break the sanctity of the beauty parlor (where the sacred bond between beautician and client is stronger than that doctor/patient thing they’re always blabbing away about on the TV) but this dirt is too good not to tell… so I’ll just change the names of the not-so-innocent.

So there I was just setting in my usual chair at the Dyed-N-Gone-t’Heaven waiting for my double process to, well… process. I was sipping on mojito numero dos (cause even though it ain’t Easter yet, it’s already hotter’n a hillbilly’s armpit here in Texas) and reading up on the latest Hollywood trash flashing her coochie for the paparazzi, while my girl Gloria was working on a special case in the chair next to me. Normally, when I say ‘special case’ y’all are gonna think it’s somebody’s wedding day, or maybe Glory had to fix yet another one of blind Bertha’s “accidents”, but this one is different.

The woman–if that is indeed what it was–in the chair next to me, I am glad to say I had never seen in my entire life. She was all dolled up like one of those high falutin’ bitches from Hillcrest, with more gold jangling and clanging at her wrists, and pulling her earlobes down to her shoulders than I could shake a stick at. And, LORD! I hate to think of what it took in the morning to squeeze, prod, or pour this mountain of flesh into that tiny, tight, tight mini-number she probably bought off the Nieman-Marcus clearance rack. She looked like if she took a deep breath, she’d a popped, and gold buttons and bangles’d be flyin’ everywhere. Her makeup was painted on so thick, it looked like it should come with a 15-year guarantee against weathering and dry-rot. She’d had so much work done that her beauty mark was now just in front of her earlobe, and she couldn’t even blink or close her mouth properly. She wore long acrylic nails lacquered to a particular shade of whore-red that matched her lips as well as the soles of her leopard-spot Christian Louboutin shoes. She had to be 65 or 70 if she was a day, although clearly she thinks she’s still in her twenties.

Am I painting the picture for y’all? Ya got it? Now imagine all of this tottering in on 5 or 6 inch stilletto heels with raven-black hair bigger than her pride pulled up on top of her head and secured with a wide-brimmed hat as a big as a beach umbrella. She was workin’ a wad of chewing gum in her mouth, and I swear when she passed behind me I heard the sound two balloons rubbing up against each other make. I shuddered when I thought of all that leathery skin rubbing and chafing her in various places.

We don’t get much of that at the Dyed-n-gone-t’Heaven.

Although I will admit I had a hard time not staring at her in the mirror, my gal Glory did a super job of maintaining her professionality and all. Glory’s good like that… she’ll treat you the same whether you’re a natural beauty like myself, or some troll crawled out from underneath the Harry Hines boulevard bridge.

Imagine my horror when this crone finally got herself hoisted up into the chair and situated (which took a very long time, and it was only then that I could accurately gauge that she couldn’t have been more than four foot ten without her heels.) First, she slowly removed her huge sunglasses, and fiddled with her ostrich-fan-like false eyelashes, then she untied the ribbon on her hat and took it off. She spent a minute fluffing her gi-normous mane of hair… AND THEN SHE TOOK IT OFF! Except for a few long white wisps of hair, she was almost completely bald underneath. And I could see what looked like a lot of scar tissue, and I wondered what horrible accident this poor creature had been through.

“People pay good money to see a show like this” I thought to myself.

She spoke through a heavy Mexican accent, and it was kinda difficult for me to listen in without being, you know, obvious about it. But I got the gist of it from Gloria that this woman had had her hair over-processed so many times, and had so many face lifts that there was hardly anything left of her scalp. When I heard that I tried real hard to get a good look, and when she was turned around, I could see the remnants of eyebrows ON THE TOP OF HER BALD HEAD! This spooked me to no end. So naturally, I asked Crystaàl the shampoo girl for another mojito. Make mine a double this time, Crystaàl and I’ll double your tip.

Well, after Gloria had fitted her client with another wig she’d just re-set, and took the old one to do for next week into the back room, Señora Yvonne (not her real name) took another twenty minutes getting herself outta that chair and put back together before she was ready to be on her way. Gloria stood behind her silently holding the lady’s bag for her the entire time, while the rest of girls just watched from under our dryer helmets and behind the pages of People and MarieClaire. You coulda heard the Queen fart it was so quiet in there.

We all sat there in silence until we heard the distant strains of Mariachi music as she pulled out of the parking lot. Then we all turned to Glory and said at the same time, “WHAT was that?”

Gloria said that Señora Yvonne was having some medical procedures to eliminate some of the scarring on her head, but that she would always have to wear a wig. “So it’s a steady gig, is what that was” she said.

“What kinda medical procedures, Glory?” “You mean like skin grafts?” we said.

“I just hope she’s careful where they take that skin from” I said, “if they take it from her butt, that’ll make her an ugly butt-head!” and we all busted out laughing at that, even though some of us were sure we’d be going to hell from laughing at such an ugly thing to say.

The next day, I was half-way through a double shift at the diner, when I noticed a long yellow Cadillac Coupe de Ville from the 1970′s in the parking lot. Sure enough, when I rounded the corner who did I see setting up there at the counter but Señora Yvonne, perched up on that barstool like a gaudy parrot surrounded by a flock of dirty grey pigeons.

You shoulda seen that old bat chowing down on her hamburger… it was quite a sight, especially with those nails. I gave her a complimentary slice of lemon pie and a wink to go with her coffee, and didn’t say a word.

Cuz that’s how we do things here in Texas.

You can download all of these here (PDF).

And you can also take advantage of Pi Day by saving 14% off ANY order from my Bacon Bits Boutique today only. Just enter this code in the discount box at checkout: SALEFORPIDAY.

On my way home from the diner last night there was a long line snaking out the door of the Mickey Dee’s…. “Hallelujah! Monopoly is back” is what I thought, until I pulled around and saw this sign. Must be on the 99¢ menu. You know how all the young men in the neighborhood like to save.

My new collection of “Trailer Trash Toile” fabrics is now available for sale on Spoonflower!

Now that Maryland has joined the ranks of US States (plus Washington DC) that have come to their senses and made Marriage Equality the law of the land, I’ve updated my Rainbow States design at the Bacon Bits Boutique!

Click on the image above to see this design on t-shirts, cards and invitations, bags, and tons more.

But today I got sumpin’ special… I got a design (on fabric) that celebrates my Poor White Trash heritage… Trailer Trash Toile. (Yeah, I didn’t know what “toile” was either until I looked it up, and then I realized I’d seen it everywhere.)

It’s my entry in Spoonflower’s fabric of the week contest, and you can VOTE FOR IT right now!

Please VOTE for my 'Trailer Trash Toile' fabric at Spoonflower's fabric of the week contest here: http://www.spoonflower.com/contest_voters/new?contest_id=125

My design follows the tradition of 18th century French Toile du Jouy (single color, repeating design, pastoral scenery) but in place of old french couples gettin’ jiggy underneath an old oak tree with a chateau in the background, my design represents MY home town… that is, two scenes that could be straight outta Sordid Lives.  There’s two run-down trailer houses, a yard-sofa, a rusted out pickup truck (that’s my neighbor come out to say “hey y’all”), half a car in the yard, and of course plastic flamingos everywhere.

I rightly can’t take all of the credit… although the idea was mine, and I did the drawings, it was my darling nephew Chad that helped me with the technical stuff. So, thank you Chad! I got a free slice a pie waiting for you at the diner!

Incidentally, Trailer Trash Toile comes in a number of different colors, and I also made a complimentary design of plastic flamingos, seen below. You can see the whole collection in my shop at Spoonflower, and they are now available for sale in lots of different kinds of fabrics!

Three colorways of my 'Plastic Flamingos' fabric, available here: http://www.spoonflower.com/collections/14219

I put the design on a limited number of items in the Bacon Bits Boutique, too (seen below).

Trailer Trash Toile [throw pillow] by seidabacon

Trailer Trash Toile [Rickshaw Bag] by seidabacon

Y’all don’t forget to VOTE NOW! Polls close on March 7, 2012.

So, FINALLY I cooked up a batch of bacon and took my own photos… I thought I was going to have to lay the bacon right on the scanner to get decent shots, but luckily I didn’t have to resort to that!

It took me a while (read: all day long) to figure out how to make the pattern repeat without any obvious joins at the edges… but I finally did it! I’ve seen lots (and lots and lots…) of Bacon design fabric (etc.) but none of them repeats in the way my pattern does!

I just posted this fabric pattern to Spoonflower, so it isn’t available quite yet.
[UPDATE 2/23/2012: The BACON! Collection is now available for purchase at Spoonflower.com!]

But what would you do with yards of bacon? I invision somebody making a whole suit out of it (like in David Byrne’s True Stories)… it’s like Bacon Camouflage! Bacon sheets or curtains would be nice too.

Look for a whole slew of new BACON! products with this design over at the Bacon Bits Boutique, too… I’ll feature those in my next post here.

My new ERSATZ product for WASHING AWAY THE HATE! Available only at the Bacon Bits Boutique. Scroll down for more.

NEW! Available only at the Bacon Bits Boutique!

BIGOT brand liquid helps you WASH THE HATE AWAY!
(And after watching the Republican Primary Debates,
I think I know some folks who could order this in 55 gal. drums!)

My new cleanser has EXTRA ERSATZ, and comes with the
FRESH SCENT OF ENLIGHTENMENT!

Get some today! You’ll wonder how you lived without for so long.

Actually, this is the first ersatz (fake) product (well, second—more on that in a sec) in a new series of designs I’m working on at the moment. You can get it on t-shirts (including dark tees, long-sleeves, tank-tops, sweatshirts and hoodies), posters, prints, greeting cards (you can customize the text inside) and postcards. They also make terrific cut-out magnets (or sculptures/pins/ornaments). More products (mugs, etc.) will be available soon too.

The original design was rejected by the Content Guideline Team. I wonder why?

I had to re-design this piece, because my first one was rejected by Zazzle’s new totalitarian authority, the all-powerful Content Guideline Team. They never give a specific reason (just that the design “violates our content guideline policies”) and I’ve learned from past interactions with them that there is no appeal or possibility of parole… you just have to move on to a different design. The original (not available anywhere) is shown here. I even put it in the PG-13 category, and it still wouldn’t fly. But I think the new version will sell better anyhow. But, just like real products… sometimes you put a lot of effort into developing something and the public just won’t buy it, so you have to scrap it and start over.

This series was inspired by Wacky Packages, those wonderful die-cut stickers of comical fake products I remember from my youth. Inspiration also came from the world of Andy Warhol’s ersatz products and Campbell’s Soup paintings.

Here is a Lesbian wearing BIGOT on a dark t-shirt.

Looks great on Fags, too!

As a poster, it's perfect for hanging in dark-skinned people's homes!

Customize the text inside the card! Perfect for sending it to your asshole Senator (ie, Rick Santorum)!

There are more products like these only at The Bacon Bits Boutique online store! Get ‘em now and WASH THE HATE AWAY!

After a long, long day’s work waiting on folks at the diner, me and one of my girlfriends decided to hang out and unwind. So I went over to her house to help decorate her little tree. She’s all alone in her house on account of her husband is deployed in Iraq (although he’s *supposed* to be coming home in time for Christmas, we’re still not sure he’s gonna make it.) She lives in a suburban tract house just outside Denton, so I always feel like I’m visiting the emperor’s palace when I visit… I get so used to the wind rocking my double-wide back and forth that I sometimes get a little queasy in a house that don’t move.

Anyhoo…

After we decked the halls, we sat around swapping customer-horror stories for awhile over a couple beers. She had this big bowl of Christmas goodies on the coffee table, which was mostly stuff given to her by friends and customers. (I could tell because she likes things to be all matchy-matchy, and nothin’ in this bowl was the same.)

And one of ‘em was this chocolate thing on stick, all wrapped up in cellophane. Only, you couldn’t quite tell what it was supposed to be. It just looked kinda blob-like. I picked it up and said, “what in the hell is that supposed to be?” And Libby said, “yeah I dunno what that is. Somebody gave it to me.”

And just as she took another swig from her beer bottle (she buys the good stuff) I said, “Well it looks like a chocolate fetus on a stick!” And with that, Libby did the most incredible spit-take I’ve ever seen. Oh. My. God. She was spewin’ brew from her nostrils, from her mouth, all over everywhere cuz she was laughing so hard!

AND THEN she got up and run around the room, still spewing! We were both dying laughing… my stomach still aches this morning from all the laughter we had over that! What makes this even funnier if you know Libby, is that she is a neat-nik, and she just went into a cleaning FIT right after… but we were still laughing. Oh man, I needed a good laugh like that, and it’s been a LONG time since anybody tickled my funny bone, ifyaknowwhaddImean.

And you know what that durned thing was after all?… A seahorse! Now who in there right mind puts a SEAHORSE made out of dark chocolate on a STICK? See if it don’t look just like a chocolate fetus to you:

Libby's "Chocolate Fetus on a stick"

Well, I think people are feeling a little merrier this year than last, judging by the tips at the diner (my best economic indicator)… and sales this year at The Bacon Bits Boutique have been MUCH better than last year, thanks to y’all! I hope y’all have a very Merry Christmas or whatever the hell y’all celebrate (or not, in the case o’y'all heathens!) and a Happy New Year!