So, FINALLY I cooked up a batch of bacon and took my own photos… I thought I was going to have to lay the bacon right on the scanner to get decent shots, but luckily I didn’t have to resort to that!

It took me a while (read: all day long) to figure out how to make the pattern repeat without any obvious joins at the edges… but I finally did it! I’ve seen lots (and lots and lots…) of Bacon design fabric (etc.) but none of them repeats in the way my pattern does!

I just posted this fabric pattern to Spoonflower, so it isn’t available quite yet.
[UPDATE 2/23/2012: The BACON! Collection is now available for purchase at Spoonflower.com!]

But what would you do with yards of bacon? I invision somebody making a whole suit out of it (like in David Byrne’s True Stories)… it’s like Bacon Camouflage! Bacon sheets or curtains would be nice too.

Look for a whole slew of new BACON! products with this design over at the Bacon Bits Boutique, too… I’ll feature those in my next post here.

My new ERSATZ product for WASHING AWAY THE HATE! Available only at the Bacon Bits Boutique. Scroll down for more.

NEW! Available only at the Bacon Bits Boutique!

BIGOT brand liquid helps you WASH THE HATE AWAY!
(And after watching the Republican Primary Debates,
I think I know some folks who could order this in 55 gal. drums!)

My new cleanser has EXTRA ERSATZ, and comes with the
FRESH SCENT OF ENLIGHTENMENT!

Get some today! You’ll wonder how you lived without for so long.

Actually, this is the first ersatz (fake) product (well, second—more on that in a sec) in a new series of designs I’m working on at the moment. You can get it on t-shirts (including dark tees, long-sleeves, tank-tops, sweatshirts and hoodies), posters, prints, greeting cards (you can customize the text inside) and postcards. They also make terrific cut-out magnets (or sculptures/pins/ornaments). More products (mugs, etc.) will be available soon too.

The original design was rejected by the Content Guideline Team. I wonder why?

I had to re-design this piece, because my first one was rejected by Zazzle’s new totalitarian authority, the all-powerful Content Guideline Team. They never give a specific reason (just that the design “violates our content guideline policies”) and I’ve learned from past interactions with them that there is no appeal or possibility of parole… you just have to move on to a different design. The original (not available anywhere) is shown here. I even put it in the PG-13 category, and it still wouldn’t fly. But I think the new version will sell better anyhow. But, just like real products… sometimes you put a lot of effort into developing something and the public just won’t buy it, so you have to scrap it and start over.

This series was inspired by Wacky Packages, those wonderful die-cut stickers of comical fake products I remember from my youth. Inspiration also came from the world of Andy Warhol’s ersatz products and Campbell’s Soup paintings.

Here is a Lesbian wearing BIGOT on a dark t-shirt.

Looks great on Fags, too!

As a poster, it's perfect for hanging in dark-skinned people's homes!

Customize the text inside the card! Perfect for sending it to your asshole Senator (ie, Rick Santorum)!

There are more products like these only at The Bacon Bits Boutique online store! Get ‘em now and WASH THE HATE AWAY!

After a long, long day’s work waiting on folks at the diner, me and one of my girlfriends decided to hang out and unwind. So I went over to her house to help decorate her little tree. She’s all alone in her house on account of her husband is deployed in Iraq (although he’s *supposed* to be coming home in time for Christmas, we’re still not sure he’s gonna make it.) She lives in a suburban tract house just outside Denton, so I always feel like I’m visiting the emperor’s palace when I visit… I get so used to the wind rocking my double-wide back and forth that I sometimes get a little queasy in a house that don’t move.

Anyhoo…

After we decked the halls, we sat around swapping customer-horror stories for awhile over a couple beers. She had this big bowl of Christmas goodies on the coffee table, which was mostly stuff given to her by friends and customers. (I could tell because she likes things to be all matchy-matchy, and nothin’ in this bowl was the same.)

And one of ‘em was this chocolate thing on stick, all wrapped up in cellophane. Only, you couldn’t quite tell what it was supposed to be. It just looked kinda blob-like. I picked it up and said, “what in the hell is that supposed to be?” And Libby said, “yeah I dunno what that is. Somebody gave it to me.”

And just as she took another swig from her beer bottle (she buys the good stuff) I said, “Well it looks like a chocolate fetus on a stick!” And with that, Libby did the most incredible spit-take I’ve ever seen. Oh. My. God. She was spewin’ brew from her nostrils, from her mouth, all over everywhere cuz she was laughing so hard!

AND THEN she got up and run around the room, still spewing! We were both dying laughing… my stomach still aches this morning from all the laughter we had over that! What makes this even funnier if you know Libby, is that she is a neat-nik, and she just went into a cleaning FIT right after… but we were still laughing. Oh man, I needed a good laugh like that, and it’s been a LONG time since anybody tickled my funny bone, ifyaknowwhaddImean.

And you know what that durned thing was after all?… A seahorse! Now who in there right mind puts a SEAHORSE made out of dark chocolate on a STICK? See if it don’t look just like a chocolate fetus to you:

Libby's "Chocolate Fetus on a stick"

Well, I think people are feeling a little merrier this year than last, judging by the tips at the diner (my best economic indicator)… and sales this year at The Bacon Bits Boutique have been MUCH better than last year, thanks to y’all! I hope y’all have a very Merry Christmas or whatever the hell y’all celebrate (or not, in the case o’y'all heathens!) and a Happy New Year!

Use discount code FINALHOLIDAY at checkout.

Shop The Bacon Bits Boutique | Shop ALL Zazzle Stores

75% of the card, invite, postcard, and/or photocard net sale price will be deducted when one or more qualifying cards, invites, postcards, and/or photocards are purchased. 60% of the speaker net sale price will be deducted when one or more qualifying speakers are purchased. 50% of the bag and/or print net sale price will be deducted when one or more qualifying bags and/or prints are purchased. 40% of the calendar and/or ornament net sale price will be deducted when one or more qualifying calendars and/or ornaments are purchased. 30% of the white shirt, tie, and/or mug net sale price will be deducted when one or more qualifying white shirts, ties, and/or mugs are purchased. 20% of the speck case net sale price will be deducted when one or more qualifying speck cases are purchased. 10% of the Zazzle product net sale price will be deducted when one or more qualifying products are purchased. For most products, the net sale price is the price of the product (excluding shipping and taxes). For Zazzle Custom Stamps, the net sale price is the difference between the price of the Zazzle Custom Stamps (excluding shipping and taxes) and the face value of the postage. Offer is valid through December 13, 2011 at 11:59 PM PT. This promotional offer may not be combined with any other Zazzle promotional or volume discount offers. If a volume discount applies to your order, you will receive either the discount set forth in this offer or the standard volume discount, whichever is greater. Offer valid on Zazzle.com only.

This is a true story y’all…

I live very happily in my double-wide trailer out on the outskirts of a small Texas town, down a long road that only got paved over a couple years ago. I don’t have many neighbors, except for the trailer across the street… and I never see any of them (except their shovel-draggin’ kids).

Down the road a bit is a church that don’t look like any church I saw before. It’s in a quonset hut (y’know, those temporary buildings that look like a tomato can half buried in the ground). They got one of those arrow signs out front with the changeable letters, which is the only way you’d know it was a church. And even though I know everybody in this god-forsaken town, I don’t know anybody that goes to church there. Usually they have messages on the sign like “Jesus is the way” and “Homosexuality is a sin“.

One night in November a couple years ago I was coming home from a late shift at the diner, and I nearly drove my pickup in the ditch when I saw what it said… “Christmas Wasn’t Fun For Mary… It HURT!” I tried to get a snapshot of it, but it didn’t come out so good on my insta-matic. Anyway, I always thought it was funny, so my nephew Chad helped me put it on a shirt. I got it on cards too, in case you want to send it out as your X-mas greeting. You can see all of ‘em here. We did a bunch of other billboard designs too. Here’s some of ‘em:

"You'll be darned to eternal heck if you don't believe in me. —Gosh" © 2011 SeidaBacon.com

"Stop forging My name on billboards. —God" © 2011 SeidaBacon.com

"Whatever" billboard © 2011 SeidaBacon.com

All of these designs are available on t-shirts, posters, cards, mugs, etc. exclusively at The Bacon Bits Boutique. And don’t forget to check the coupons page for the latest discount codes!

Queen of Everything [travel mug] by seidabacon

King of the Trailer Park Beer Mug by seidabacon

Seida Bacon POP! Mug by seidabacon

Trailer Trash Christmas Ornament by seidabacon

Custom Diner Waitress Uniform Ornament by seidabacon
Click to see the back of this ornament

Gay Marriage [personalized ornament] by seidabacon
Click to see the back of this ornament

To qualify for this free shipping offer, one or more Zazzle products must be purchased with a net sale price equal to or greater than 50.00 dollars. The free shipping offer is for standard shipping to U.S. addresses only. Offer does not apply to shoes, custom framed prints, or screen printed apparel. Shipping charges will apply to oversized orders and orders being shipped on an expedited basis or outside the U.S. 50% of the mug and/or ornament product net sale price will be deducted when one or more qualifying products are purchased and the coupon code HOLIDAYSALE4 is applied at checkout. Offer is valid until December 4, 2011 at 11:59pm PT. This offer does not apply to past purchases and may not be combined with any other Zazzle promotional or volume discount offers. If a volume discount applies to your order, you will receive either the discount set forth in this offer or the standard volume discount, whichever is greater. Offer valid on Zazzle.com only.

Source: http://crispian-jago.blogspot.com/

‘Tis the season for nut-jobs and wackos (but then again, when are they not in season?) Y’all I’ve run into so many different kinds of crazies lately, I needed a chart to sort them out. My nephew Chad found this excellent example on the Interwebs, and I felt y’all could use one too.

In the last few weeks it seems like every person I meet is suffering from some kind of dementia… paranoia, obsessive-compulsive, delusions of grandeur, hypochondria, astrologists… you name it, and I’ve probably had it walk right into the diner and sit in my section! And I’m not even talking about the GOP political candidates! We’d have to add a whole ‘nother block to that table up there for them!

Of course, most of them are harmless to everyone but themselves (and maybe their kids, if they got ‘em), so I just laugh (on the inside of course) and take it for entertainment value. Even the old homeless crazy guy that thinks he’s Jesus Christ… He frequently wanders in with his hands spray-painted red. But last time I had to call the cops on him because he pulled a long shard of glass out of his coat-sleeve, and started waving it around and hollering. But even he’s mostly harmless.

Another lady last week clearly suffering from some form of OCD, could only order things off the menu if the price was a prime number. (Yeah, bitch… YOU’RE a prime number!! I thought to myself!) She was with a couple of other ladies that looked a bit “touched” in the head as well, so I suspect it was some sort of support group or maybe an outing from the rest home for “eccentrics” across the way. One of ‘em asked me a million questions about the food at the diner… did we have any gluten-free pancakes, (what’s the point of that?) and whether the milk and eggs come from an organic farm where the cows and chickens happily roam free, and you know volunteer to go to the slaughterhouse and shit like that.

“They come from cartons in the fridge.” is what I replied. I mean, christ, It’s a fucking diner! It’s kinda like goin’ to the steakhouse, and ordering a veggie burger.

Oh well, what are you gonna do, ‘cept put up with ‘em, and laugh if you can.

Y’all stay safe and sane, now y’hear?

You can buy TWO calendars for the price of ONE with this secret code…

…just enter the discount code GIFT4THEYEAR at checkout in the coupons/discount code box to watch your price drop! (Code expires on 12/31/2011).

Note: If you only need one calendar, there is a separate code for 25% off of one… use code 2012ISCOMING at checkout.

Of course, my calendar’s all new for 2012 and features 12 hilarious vintage graphics with irreverent captions from my twisted little mind. It even comes in three different sizes! Zazzle will be offering lots of specials and discounts this holiday shopping season, so be sure you sign up to receive the emails–sometimes they come out faster than I can update you myself here–Also, be sure you sign up for your free trial membership of Zazzle Black to get FREE shipping on every single order you place for a year!

New for this year, I also have a version in a book format for your desk or pocketbook. It combines the same great graphics with 80 pages of blank pages for notes, doodles and what-have-you. It’s available only on Blurb.

You can preview all of the months of my calendar online. They are all available on cards and other items individually, too… but only at The Bacon Bits Boutique!

(Ends at midnight 12/2/2011, Pacific Time)

50% Off T-shirts & Sweatshirts
50% Off Mobile Phone Cases

Plus, get FREE shipping on orders of $50 or more. Use discount code HOLIDAYSALE2 at checkout, and watch your price drop!

Browse the Bacon Bits Boutique now.

Some of my favorites:

Tooled Leather iPhone 4 Case by seidabacon

Crumpled Notebook Paper iPad Case by seidabacon

Black Leather ‘Engraved’ iPhone 4 Case by seidabacon

See all of Seida’s Electronics Cases here.

To qualify for this free shipping offer, one or more Zazzle products must be purchased with a net sale price equal to or greater than 50.00 dollars. The free shipping offer is for standard shipping to U.S. addresses only. Offer does not apply to shoes, custom framed prints, or screen printed apparel. Shipping charges will apply to oversized orders and orders being shipped on an expedited basis or outside the U.S. 50% of the case and shirt product net sale price will be deducted when one or more qualifying products are purchased and the coupon code HOLIDAYSALE2 is applied at checkout. Offer is valid until December 2, 2011 at 11:59pm PT. This offer does not apply to screen printed apparel. This offer does not apply to past purchases and may not be combined with any other Zazzle promotional or volume discount offers. If a volume discount applies to your order, you will receive either the discount set forth in this offer or the standard volume discount, whichever is greater. Offer valid on Zazzle.com only.